Light 'n Pain

The Wolf Is Greedy

2009-05-26T05:35:00.000-07:00

For about a year now there have been no good days littering the landscape of my bad days. There have just been varying degrees of bad days. It's like the progression of a really bad relationship from verbal abuse to physical abuse.

My friend and I used to go spend a day or 2 each month window shopping and eating dinner out. I'd be able to say, "If I sleep on Tuesday, we should be good to go on Wednesday for an afternoon out and about."

We'd also go grocery shopping on Sunday together. We had a very cool little routine. She mapped it for maximum savings of both gas and money. We'd hit 3 stores. It would take us maybe 2 hours. Then we'd eat our secret chocolate snacks on the way home and not tell the kids.

Today, is a different day. I can't stroll around the shoe warehouse with her anymore. Stopping at every other display trying on the 4 inch pumps we'd never really wear or putting on the ugly Betty Boop shoes we'd never be caught dead in. Now I sit at the end of the isle and wait for her. I sit on the little bench guarding her selections. smacking the hands of the employees who try to put them away. My ankles and feet are so swollen I can't try on anything. My hips hurt so bad that I can't strut around the store in the Jessica Simpson platforms and pretend I'm on Stage singing to a crowd of adoring fans.

The last time I went grocery shopping with her. I had to stay in the car for 2 out of the 3 stops because I knew I wouldn't be able to walk by the time we got to the last one. We tried the store sponsored scooter. Well lets just say there should be warnings plastered to those things."WARNING: Any person with balance and depth perception problems, motion sickness and/or brain fog should not operate this machine. Not only was I a menace to shoppers everywhere, My back hurt so bad after 30 minutes in that thing, I'd have been better without it.

Today, Lola just rides in the car, she doesn't get out unless there is something she has to see. Her friend shops, puts her items in the fitting room then comes to the car to get Lola to sit with her in the fitting room. Today, her friend will ask her, "Do you need anything, is there anything I can bring you from the store.

Today, Lola Lana stops by the grocery several times per week with her son, because she can't do a whole weeks worth of shopping in one day. She never goes alone. She forgets what she needs, where she put her list and she's not allowed to put her hands on the cart because she will certainly crash into every single corner of every single isle.

So, you see, the wolf is selfish and he wants you all to himself.
He makes it so you can't keep up with your pack, your herd.
Slowly but surely he fixes it so that you can't get away.
In this world Lola Lana is the prey and the wolf is the predator.
And each day is another day caught up in his trap.

This is indeed Pain,
but in the darkest of night
with just a single star,
there is Light.
T

Ashlee's Place

2009-04-18T12:26:00.001-07:00

Fashion is Art and Merchandising is a Gift.

This is Ashlee's Place. Aren't the colors great?

My homegirl really knows her stuff! Her eye for detail is instantaneous. Her gut is never wrong when it comes to buying. She knows her customers better than they'd ever begin to know themselves. And despite an economy to cry for, her sales are excellent!

I am often angered by the fact that our town is 60 miles from any major cities. She really should be in the Mall. Well, there is that whole having a family thing that being in a small town totally makes sense for, but I feel like her AMAZING talent goes totally unnoticed, or if it is noticed it is not appreciated. I'm going to try and get her to let me do an Ashlee's Place Blog for her. Someone else on the planet has got to see her skillz!

Where are all the freakin' pictures of her store?
Hmmm flash drive maybe....well, to be continued then!

with just a single star,
there is Light.
T

Breast Cancer Beari

2009-04-18T11:47:00.000-07:00

This Pretty Girl is Beari, B(reast) C(ancer) Beari. I made her this sexy little number for my friend Angela's Contest. Angela owns a clothing store called Ashlee's Place. Its' located in the booming mega metropolis of Medina, New York; population around 6500. The store has been open for 17 years and every year for Mother's Day she has a Breast Cancer Awareness Promotion.

Beari was a lil nervous about her close-up, she thought folks might be able to see her breast enhancements.

How cute are the details? Anywho, we (and I say we because for eons I have worked side by side with Ang, and even though my illness won't let me really work, I am always her VP of the Creative Team.), like many other retailers across America are having a Brassiere Design Contest.

Now, having consulted with Ang on the art work design for the promotion,

I KNOW it did not say anywhere that bears were not welcome. So I called up Beari
and asked her if I made her a couture underwear ensemble, would she mind stealing the show. She said she wasn't in the best of shape since the whole hibernation thing was just ending, but after I explained that she would be the ONLY bear in the whole show, well let's just say
once a lime light fiend
always one.

So, here she is wearing an ASAYOGAL Original.

Votes are only 25 cents, so if you happen to be in town ;-), stop in and vote. All proceeds are being donated to cancer research, as always!

...with just a single star,

there is Light.

The Matriarchial DNA

2009-04-18T11:25:00.001-07:00

I Love Being a Woman.

Probably because the women in my family have all been AMAZING.

In my last post I spoke of my illness. Diseases that overwhelmingly attack women. In the end I wouldn't trade any of it. Why? because along with the genetic predisposition to auto-immune disease I have inherited the most coveted of genes...

The All Things Creative Gene!

My grandmother, was an artist. She could draw, paint, and write poetry.
She spawned crafty girls and musician men (my dad).

My Mother was a fashionista from way back. In High-School she not only studied fashion and art as her major, but she would make the prettiest dresses for she and her cousins.
You know the ones with the full skirts,
The whole June Cleaver look.

And don't think for a moment there was ever a hair or nail or accessory out of place, My maternal Gram instilled that in all of her female descendants.

A REAL LADY NEVER EVER GOES OUT UNFINISHED!

My earliest memories with my mother are fittings, matching dresses, waking up Saturday Morning to the oh so soothing sounds of her Pfaff running and leaving beautiful garments behind.

She made her wedding Gown, her brides maids gowns, her mother's dress, my wedding gown, my prom gown, my brides maids gowns, the list never ends.

Nothing builds a girls confidence like
KNOWING
no one will ever have the exact same dress she has on.

Kidnapped By The Wolf

2009-04-18T09:59:00.000-07:00

Except from Journal Entry Dated 4.15.2009 (my 38th birthday)

Lola Lana Lupaca
Let the Sleeping Wolf Bitch lie...Tread Softly for the Wolf Sleeps Lightly...See The Moon in Her Face...Smell The Night on Her Breath.

Lupus Stole:

My Babies
(2 miscarriages)

My "File"
(I meant my life, but as you read the next line, you'll understand)

My Mind
(Memory, cognition and more)

My Dreams

My Body

My Son's Childhood

My Life.

Lupus

A CHRONIC autoimmune disease that can affect any part of the body. Also known as SLE.

http://www.lupus.org/webmodules/webarticlesnet/templates/new_learnunderstanding.aspx?articleid=2232&zoneid=523

I've had 6 courses of steroid treatments over the past year.
I've gained 10 pounds with each course.
Remission has not been an option.
Cycles of Crisis of Identity, Optimism, and Denial abide.

One of my mothers coworkers died from Lupus this year.
She was only 28.
Not many people know about it, so not many people care about it.

Fibromyalgia

(is a disorder classified by the presence of chronic widespread pain and a heightened and painful response to gentle touch.)

http://www.fmnetnews.com/basics-symptoms.php

Fibromyalgia often comes following the wolf's trail, hot on its tail.

Can you imagine the shower hurting, or telling your son he can't lean on your arm?
I don't have to, because I live it everyday.

This is indeed the Pain,
but in the darkest of night
with just a single star,
there is Light.
T

It's My Sons Fault...

2008-02-24T16:21:00.000-08:00

That I'm here before I'm ready. He's a geek of the electronic, computer, Internet, blogging, gaming type. I accidentally said the words out loud..."I think I want a blog." Now I am here with out proper preparation (properpreparationproperpreparationproperpreparation....).

I bought a book yesterday about blogging. I'm one of those people who has and will read a book about everything, anything. I made a new friend today..."Better get a book about making new friends." I want to make a blanket for my son, even though I've been knitting and crocheting since I was in freaking 2ND grade..."Oh, better get a new book about afghans."
(I'm sure something has changed about a chain stitch since the last time I picked up a hook 6 months ago).

I think the purpose of this blog is 2 fold; to document pain (lots of pain, physical mostly, which then leads to psychological pain) and light (lots of light, spiritual, aka peace, grace, thanks, self love, self knowing, acceptance and joy.)